Most of us are excited to start a new job. The newness of your responsibilities and working relationships makes going to work each day something to look forward to. Like most things, though, novelty fades. You may even feel like you’ve fallen out of love with your career.

The relationship you have with your job can be similar to the one you have with a romantic partner, says Dr. Tessa West, author of Job Therapy: Finding Work That Works for You and professor of psychology at New York University. 

“We used to think of our jobs as something that we do,” she says. “That has shifted into thinking about our jobs and careers as something that we have a dynamic relationship with. We see an overlap between how people talk about their relationships with people and their relationships with their career.” 

Is the Love Gone? 

You might consider breaking up with your job just like you would think about ending a relationship. However, the signs that the love is gone are different than you might expect, says West.

“We think falling out of love looks like quiet quitting and disengagement,” she says. “But if you’ve been in love with your career at one point, you’ve highly identified with it and care about doing it well. Falling out of love is more about ambivalence. It’s loving and hating something at the same time.”

Early red flags that you’re falling out of love with something is when you go all in on it. You might start throwing yourself into your work, showing up early or staying late. The actions are an attempt to save a relationship, much like going on a lot of date nights right before divorce, says West. 

“People often mistake that sign as a sign that they’re still in love, when, in fact, it’s the opposite,” she says. “They’re in the early stages of questioning.”

The next stage is when you move on psychologically. For example, you might overlook and break policies or come in late. West says this is a dangerous zone.

“You want out and think ‘I’ll do anything I can to end this relationship,’” she says. “You have to be careful that you don’t get pulled into an on-again, off-again relationship with your career.” 

The final step is when you start the process of detachment. You talk about leaving and start “dating” new careers by sending out feelers or looking at job ads. 

Falling Back in Love

It’s possible to fall back in love with your job, but West says there’s a caveat. “People often think it’s entirely up to them to fall back in love,” she says. “They think they have total control. But you need to look for signs that the job, the career, and the boss are committing to you in the same ways. Think about the career as a relationship partner that is putting as much work into saving the relationship as you.”

West says a common reason people fall out of love with a job is because they weren’t getting reinforced on a consistent basis. For example, you might get passed over for promotions, important projects, or raises. Or you may not be getting the support you need from your boss. 

Before you look for another job, start the communication process to find out if you should be doing something differently to get what you need from your job. This requires conversations with your boss, says West.

“It’s saying, ‘I feel like I’m falling out of love with this. I feel like this job’s rejecting me. Or I drifted apart from my work. Here’s what I need from it, but I don’t know how to get there,’” she explains. 

While you’re having dialogue with your manager, West recommends networking and learning about new jobs and new careers inside and outside of your company. 

“Developing clarity around new things while you’re still employed is the way to be sure that you’re ready to leave,” she says. “Don’t base your decision on the misery of your current job and confidence that you’ve learned enough to take that leap. You don’t want to put yourself in a situation where you’re going to be potentially desperate.”

Make Sure It’s Your Job and Not You

The anxiety you feel about work could also be something bleeding over from your personal life. West suggests trying to understand what’s triggering your stressors. Sometimes it’s not what you think and can be easily fixed. 

“Often the things that stress us out the most at work are things that we are used to seeing but haven’t encoded as stressors,” she says. “It could be a commute or a boss who puts something on your calendar at the last minute. Stressors can also be at home, like a fight with your spouse, poor sleep, or a bad diet.” 

Instead of relying on your memory to connect the dots, West counsels people to collect data on your day to look for patterns. “Stressors tend to have what’s called a ‘sleeper effect,’” she says. “The thing that stresses me out right now is going to make me sick in five days. It’s not going to make me sick tomorrow. We don’t have a good way of keeping track of that in our minds, unless we actually collect data on ourselves.” 

By better understanding your relationship with your job, you can be sure you aren’t taking it for granted. A study by Paychex found that 80% of people who quit their jobs during the Great Recession regretted the decision. 

Do your homework, says West. For example, talk to external recruiters who can give you a realistic perspective of the market and your company. When you know what your strengths and weaknesses are with your job, you might realize you have it better than you thought.

“The grass is almost never greener,” says West. “It’s just a different shade of the brown you know now. The process of learning can help you fall back in love with your job, or it can tell you it’s time to fall in love with something new.”