By Sami Kinnison
I was sitting in my boss’s office, letting the feedback wash over me. “Meh, I think it’s fine, but you could do better.” The project I had been working on for weeks, pouring everything into, was being reviewed by my boss and their feedback was “Meh”?
I blinked back tears. So unprofessional to cry in front of your boss, right?
Everything was made so much more intense by the fact that I was sitting in front of my boss—who is also my mom. And we were in her “work from home” office—which also happens to be in my childhood home.
I kept trying to pretend this was a conversation between an employee and a boss, but the tears fought their way out as my mom’s disappointment filled my mind.
She sat quietly, let me cry, and simply asked if I needed anything. Eventually, I excused myself and went home for the rest of the day. After a thorough pity party that evening with a lot of complaining and crying to my husband, I knew she had been right and her feedback on the project was spot on. I needed to adjust.
Working with family comes with a unique set of challenges. While many people couldn’t dream of working with their parents, those of us that work at a family business or at the same company as our family must navigate the complexities of juggling our roles and relationships.
Fortunately, there are several steps anyone can take to make this dynamic easier to balance. Defining clear expectations, creating and maintaining boundaries, and leaning into hard moments can increase your satisfaction and success when working with a parent. Here’s my advice.
Create clear expectations
Working with your family can make anyone wonder if they were “just a nepotism hire” or if they actually have what it takes. For this reason, I strongly recommend that you establish and revisit expectations often. This can help everyone stay on the same page and ensure that you are achieving the necessary milestones.
When I started working with my mom, not only did we talk about my skills and abilities, but we also talked about expectations around what would happen when we had conflict, how would we objectively determine my pay and bonuses, and set expectations around time off. I made sure I had a clear job description.
One problem we faced early on was that my mom expected too much of me, in the best way possible. She knew I was capable and assigned me more projects than was possible for one person to handle. This came from a base belief that I was talented and could do anything. While I appreciated the sentiment, we had to recalibrate with the understanding that I am not a robot capable of running infinite queries and programs, but a normal project manager who has a limit to what they can keep organized at one time.
As our work has evolved and grown, we frequently come back to the question of who is responsible for what and we ensure that our full team has a balanced workload and that the expectations of me aren’t significantly different than they would be if I wasn’t family.
Set work life boundaries
Establishing work life boundaries is something we all know is important, but it can be much harder to do that when you work with your family. Setting boundaries can make or break any situation working with family because you are often enmeshed with your family throughout the day—not just from 9 to 5.
The key is to find a way to keep work “at work” and home “at home.” This can be accomplished by setting boundaries in a variety of ways such as:
? Medium of communication. My mom and I have established that different methods of communication are to be used when we are discussing business or personal matters. Emails and Slack are used for work. Both of these can be “turned off” outside of work hours. Text is used exclusively for personal matters.
? Declaration of roles. Phone calls can be a confusing mix of work and personal, even during the workday, and require a declaration of intent. We practice announcing which role you are speaking on behalf of to start the call. For instance, “Hi, this is your boss calling.” Or, “This is your mom calling.” Or, “This is a friend calling, needing to rant about a coworker.” Clearly establishing when you need to talk to the person you work with, rather than the person you are related to, can help create a conversational boundary.
? Hold time off sacred. When working with others, especially those who you see outside of work, the temptation to talk shop or get “one more thing” done is ever-present. Whether salaried or hourly, the act of tracking the time you work can help maintain boundaries between work and personal. If someone starts a work conversation at a family dinner on the weekend, take a pause and say, “Hold on, let me start clocking this for work hours.” The gentle reminder can be enough to deter work conversations.
Lean into hard conversations
It doesn’t help anyone to leave hard conversations left unsaid. Resentment can build and “work problems” can overflow into “weekend problems” and come back up when you’re dropping your kids off with their grandparents or spending time with your extended family together. Find the courage to have hard conversations, because when you’re working with family, you can’t easily avoid an upset coworker if you’re going to see them at soccer practice later that evening.
Embrace hard conversations with a clear outcome in mind. Own up to the baggage and extra history you may be carrying into the moment. Share what you may be worried about and detail exactly what you are hoping to accomplish. You may want to limit or narrow the conversation topic to make sure difficult conversations are constructive.
Having hard conversations takes time to practice. You’ll probably get it wrong some times, especially when navigating the complexities of working for a parent. The most important step for growth is to try again and to learn from previous experiences.
Finding ways to transition between the “employee/boss” relationship and the “mother/daughter” relationship has been an essential for my mom and I to develop and I believe it is important for anyone working with a family member. Establishing expectations and boundaries can facilitate the transition, and being willing to have hard conversations with each other will support the relationship both inside and outside of work.
Seek support
Because, at some level, you need to be able to treat each other like coworkers and like family. When my mom gave me feedback on the project and said that my work was missing its potential, her feedback was feedback for an employee and, frankly, I wouldn’t want her to pull any punches just because I am her daughter.
The next week, I was able to sit down with my boss and hear the feedback without it hitting me personally and I was able to improve my work. I was also able to have a conversation with my mom about how there are times that I’m still afraid of disappointing her. In the end, I know that our relationship is stronger because of how we work together and how we support each other.
If you are looking for extra support in navigating family dynamics in a business, you can seek executive coaching and courses from those who intimately understand the challenges of hard conversations and regulating your emotions in the workplace, especially one full of family.
Sami Kinnison is a communication coach. She helps family-owned businesses improve their communication so they can use their time and energy for what really matters.
(5)
